ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? ]
[ Gasping ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Gasps of climax ]
[ ?????? ]
Emmett: HAVEN'T SEEN BRIAN.
HE'S WITH JUSTIN. IT'S "DATE NIGHT".
WHOO-HOO!
Ted: [ Yawning ]
I'M SORRY, ARE WE KEEPING YOU UP?
NO. IT'S THE BUSINESS.
TOILING AWAY, DAY AND NIGHT,
IT'S NOT THE SAME AS PUNCHING IN
9:00 TO 6:00 AT WERTSCHAFTER'S.
BUT JUST THINK, YOU'RE A SUCCESS.
NOT THAT I'VE HAD MUCH TIME TO ENJOY IT.
Michael: WHAT YOU NEED IS SOMETHING
TO KEEP YOUR EYELIDS OPEN.
YEAH, LIKE HIM.
[ Growl of appreciation ]
Ted: YEAH, RIGHT. AS IF A NORSE GOD
IS GOING TO BE INTERESTED IN ME.
YOU NEVER KNOW UNLESS YOU TRY.
SURE, WHAT THE HELL?
I'M TOO TIRED TO CARE.
ATTABOY. YEAH.
HI. HOW'S IT GOING?
I'M TED.
MAYBE YOU COULD USE IT AS A BOOK- MARK OR SOMETHING.
[ Mouthing inaudibly ]
JERKATWORK.NET.
THAT YOU? THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M THE PRESIDENT.
I'M THOR.
SO, HOW ABOUT HOOKING UP?
YOU AND ME?
YOU GOT IT...
THOR.
HE GAVE YOU HIS NUMBER?
SEEMS SUCCESS IS THE ULTIMATE APHRODISIAC.
OH, SHIT!
Emmett: WELL, IF IT ISN'T THE HUNKIEST PROFESSOR
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.
THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.
THE GUY'S POSITIVE.
Emmett: POSITIVELY YUMMY.
Ted: THERE ARE PLENTY OF FUCKABLE GUYS OUT THERE
THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT.
COME ON, LET'S DANCE.
[ ?????? ]
Michael: [ Narrating ] IT'S TRUE, THERE'S A LOT OF FUCKABLE GUYS OUT THERE
AND I'VE EVEN DATED A FEW.
MORE THAN A FEW.
THE ONLY PROBLEM IS...
THEY'RE NOT BEN.
I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM.
I'M OBSESSED. Brian: AND I'M...
TRYING TO EAT.
IT'S CLASSIC END-OF-THE- AFFAIR REMORSE.
MADE WORSE BY THE FACT THAT YOU DON'T HAVE ANYONE
TO REPLACE HIM.
IT'S MY OWN FAULT.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE LET MYSELF BE INFLUENCED BY OTHER PEOPLE.
WELL, YOU OBVIOUSLY HAD YOUR DOUBTS,
OR ELSE YOU'D HAVE TOLD US ALL TO GO FUCK OURSELVES.
THERE'S PROBABLY SOME TRUTH TO THAT, MICHAEL.
DO YOU THINK IT'S TOO LATE?
YOU KNOW, I ORDERED MY EGGS WITH BACON.
Debbie: OKAY. NOT GROUP THERAPY.
HUH.
OH.
IF YOU WANT BEN BACK, GO FUCKING GET HIM.
Debbie: HEY!
YOUR SIDE OF BACON.
OH, WELL. HUH.
CAN'T PASTE IT BACK ON THE PIG.
[ Chuckling ]
Debbie: UH-OH.
THOSE PUPPY-DOG EYES CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING.
BOY TROUBLE.
[ Mouthing inaudibly ]
OH.
HONEY.
THE RIGHT GUY'LL COME ALONG. YOU'LL SEE.
AND WHEN HE DOES, YOU'LL BE RIGHT THERE
WITH YOUR BIG, WARM HEART.
AND THAT FACE THAT YOU JUST WANNA PINCH
LIKE A PEACH.
MMM! LOOK AT THAT.
RIGHT? DON'T FORGET,
MONDAY NIGHT, ZITI NIGHT.
GREAT, SO I CAN BE FAT AND SINGLE.
[ Giggling ]
Claire: I'M TELLING YOU, BRIAN, SHE'S DRIVING ME OUT OF MY MIND.
[ Shattering of glass ]
I TOLD YOU TWO TO BEHAVE!
HE DID IT.
NO, HE DID.
Boy 1: FAGGOT.
Boy 2: HOMO.
LOOK, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP. HEY!
OR I'LL MAKE SURE YOUR BALLS NEVER DROP.
YOU KNOW, I DO EVERYTHING FOR HER.
DO YOU THINK SHE APPRECIATES IT?
DO YOU THINK SHE EVER SAYS "THANK YOU"?
ALL SHE DOES IS CRITICIZE. I MEAN,
NOTHING IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER.
WHY DON'T YOU KILL HER?
NO JURY ON EARTH WOULD CONVICT YOU.
THEY ALL HAVE MOTHERS OF THEIR OWN.
I HAVE A BETTER IDEA.
YOU DEAL WITH HER.
YOU PUT UP WITH HER DEMANDS,
HER DRINKING.
WHICH HAS GOTTEN A LOT WORSE SINCE DADDY DIED.
SHE'S CELEBRATING.
WHY DON'T YOU DRIVE HER TO THE DOCTOR?
TO CHURCH. TO GET HER HAIR DONE.
FUCK THAT SHIT.
Boys: [ Snickering ]
SHUT UP.
SHE'S YOUR MOTHER TOO,
AND YOU CAN'T JUST STICK ME WITH HER.
IT'S WORKED SO FAR.
WELL, NOT ANY MORE. I'VE LOOKED AFTER HER,
WELL, AFTER BOTH OF THEM, EVER SINCE WE WERE KIDS
WHILE YOU JUST GOT OFF SCOT FREE.
NOW, EITHER YOU HELP ME OUT, BRIAN, OR I SWEAR
SHE'S YOURS.
ALL YOURS.
Boys: [ Squabbling ]
COME ON, LET'S GO. AW...
I DON'T WANNA GO. I SAID WE'RE GOING. LET'S GO.
OH-H-H... AW, THIS SUCKS.
[ Closing of door ]
[ Sigh ]
Ted: [ Snoring ]
WELL, I'VE DONE COP, COWBOY.
INDIAN CHIEF.
AFTER THIS, I GUESS I'VE DONE THE VILLAGE PEOPLE.
[ Snoring ]
TED?
[ Snort ] HEY!
HUH? POOR BABY.
YOU REALLY ARE EXHAUSTED.
INVOICES. PAYROLL.
ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE.
IT'S LIKE WERTSCHAFTER'S TIMES A THOUSAND.
AND I'M SUPPOSED TO MEET THOR THE IMPALER TONIGHT.
OH, WHAT'S THE POINT?
I'M TOO TIRED TO EVEN GET IT UP.
HONEY,
YOU ARE IN THE BIZ.
A HARD DICK...
IS AT YOUR FINGERTIPS.
VIAGRA?
I DON'T KNOW. I HAVEN'T EXACTLY HAD A WINNING SCORE
WHEN IT COMES TO DRUGS.
I UNDERSTAND YOUR TREPIDATION.
AND NORMALLY I'D AGREE WITH YOU.
BUT, UH, BUT THIS STUFF IS MADE FOR OCTOGENARIANS.
IF THEY CAN FUCK LIKE SOMEONE WHO'S 30,
EVEN YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO FUCK LIKE SOMEONE WHO'S 80.
YOU EVER TRIED IT?
ONLY WHEN I OPERATE HEAVY EQUIPMENT.
AND?
AH, LASTS FOR A FEW HOURS, TOPS.
BUT, UH, LONG ENOUGH TO HAVE A NIGHT YOU'LL NEVER FORGET.
BEN!
HEY, MICHAEL.
WHAT A COINCIDENCE, MY RUNNING INTO YOU.
UH, NOT REALLY. I LIVE HERE.
WELL, IT WAS, UH, NICE SEEING YOU.
THE TRUTH IS, I'VE BEEN WALKING UP AND DOWN THE BLOCK
FOR TWO HOURS WAITING FOR YOU.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME UP?
Ben: CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK?
Michael: NO. THANKS.
Ben: OH, A FRIEND OF MINE GAVE ME THAT.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO RUB ITS BELLY FOR LUCK.
DOES IT WORK?
CAN'T HURT.
[ Quietly ] COME THROUGH, BUDDHA, OL' BUDDY.
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU.
A LOT.
I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT YOU TOO.
YEAH?
I THINK I MAY HAVE OVERREACTED.
YOU KNOW, TO YOU BEING POSITIVE.
HMPH.
I LISTENED TO A LOT OF PEOPLE WHEN I...
I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO MYSELF. ANYWAY...
I'D LIKE TO START AGAIN.
THAT IS, IF YOU'RE NOT SEEING ANYONE.
YOU'RE NOT... SEEING ANY- ONE, ARE YOU?
NO.
WELL, GOOD. THEN...
WE CAN PICK UP WHERE WE LEFT OFF.
MM. MM-MMM.
LOOK, UH, I APPRECIATE YOUR COMING TO SEE ME
AND EVERYTHING YOU SAID THAT THIS TIME
IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT.
BUT I CAN'T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I NEED TO KNOW THAT IF I ALLOW MY- SELF TO LOVE SOMEONE,
THAT THEY'RE NOT GOING TO BAIL ON ME.
NO MATTER WHAT THEIR FRIENDS OR THEIR MOTHER SAY,
I NEED TO KNOW THEY'LL BE THERE.
SO, I'M SORRY.
BUT IT TAKES MORE THAN A KISS.
OH.
IT'S BEEN AN HOUR SINCE I TOOK IT.
WELL, THERE ARE NO HARD OR FIRM RULES
WHEN IT COMES TO THESE THINGS.
IT'LL HAPPEN WHEN IT HAPPENS.
WELL, I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN
TILL THOR ARRIVES. [ Beep of call waiting ]
HOLD ON.
HELLO?
IT'S ME. THOR.
HEY.
SO, UH... [ Yapping of dog ]
WHEN ARE YOU COMING OVER?
I CAN'T. MY DOG'S THROWING UP.
I-I GOTTA TAKE HER TO THE HOSPITAL.
[ Gagging of dog ]
CHRIST, LULU!
SHE DID IT AGAIN.
I GOTTA GO.
GREAT.
TED? THAT WAS THOR.
LULU'S THROWING UP.
WHO'S LULU?
OH, GOD.
I'M GETTING HARD.
OH, THERE, YOU SEE? IT'S WORKING.
OH, IT'S WORKING.
YEAH, WHOO-HOO. WHAT DO I DO NOW?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHAT DO YOU DO NOW?"
YOU NEED A MANUAL?
HONEY, I'VE SEEN YOU IN ACTION.
WE'VE ALL SEEN YOU IN ACTION.
I'M SURE YOU'LL COME UP WITH SOMETHING.
[ Sighs of pleasure ]
WOW!
[ Groaning ]
Brian: IT'S A LITTLE EARLY
FOR THAT, ISN'T IT?
JUST SOMETHING TO CALM MY NERVES.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU?
CHRISTMAS.
YOU STAYED FOR AN HOUR. BROUGHT ME FLOWERS.
SAME ONES.
MMM.
WE BETTER GO, WE DON'T WANT TO BE LATE.
FOR WHAT? CHURCH.
CHURCH?
CLAIRE SAID YOU'D TAKE ME.
I NEVER SAID THAT.
THAT BITCH.
BRIAN, DO YOU HAVE TO USE SUCH LANGUAGE?
YOU ALWAYS WENT TO THE 8:00 O'CLOCK SERVICE.
WELL, I'VE SWITCHED TO THE NOON ONE.
IT'S MORE TRADITIONAL...
AND WE HAVE THIS WONDERFUL NEW MINISTER.
ARE YOU COMING?
HELL NO.
FINE.
I'LL GO MYSELF.
YOU CAN'T GO LIKE THAT.
DARLING, I'VE MANAGED QUITE WELL ON MY OWN
WITHOUT YOU, WITHOUT ANYONE MY ENTIRE LIFE.
TRULY, I CAN DO IT.
I DON'T NEED YOU.
[ ?????? ]
YEAH!
WOW.
PRETTY COOL.
THE NFL SHOULD SIGN YOU UP.
UH, THAT'S FOOTBALL.
RIGHT, RIGHT. I MEANT... I MEANT THE NBL.
THERE IS NO NBL.
OKAY, I DON'T KNOW ANY- THING ABOUT BASKETBALL.
BUT IN... CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, I'M QUEER.
WELL, I LOVE BASKETBALL. IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,
I'M QUEER, TOO.
OH, I'VE NOTICED.
Man 1: WHAT'S UP, KING, WHAT'S UP.
D'YOU WANT THE BALL? C'MON, LET'S GO.
[ Shouts of play ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Groan of effort ]
YEAH! WHOO!
YO, GUYS, I GOTTA GO.
I-I'LL COVER.
OOF.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S PLAY BALL.
I'LL COVER MIGHTY MOUSE.
ALL RIGHT, WAIT. COME ON, THESE GUYS ARE GONNA TROUNCE YOU.
GIVE ME THE BALL. NO.
I SAID GIVE ME THE BALL, MICHAEL.
NOT UNTIL YOU AGREE TO GO OUT WITH ME. TONIGHT.
PARDON ME? THE BALL.
KEEP YOUR SHORTS ON, GODZILLA. HUH?
Various: OO-OO-OOH. I'M NOT HANDING OVER THE BALL
UNTIL HE AGREES TO GO OUT WITH ME ON A DATE.
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
YOU MET MY MOTHER. DO YOU REALLY NEED TO ASK THAT?
Michael: HUH?
I SUGGEST YOU SAY YES,
'CAUSE IF HE'S LIKE THE BITCH I GOT AT HOME,
WE'RE GONNA BE STANDING HERE ALL DAY.
[ ?????? ]
[ Tolling of church bells ]
[ Organ ?????? ]
HI.
Brian: JESUS.
I TOLD HIM TO LAY OFF THE SLIMFAST.
SHH!
BEHAVE YOURSELF.
WHEN WERE YOU LAST IN CHURCH?
IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
WELL, WHENEVER I COME HERE...
I FEEL A SENSE OF CALM, OF...
INNER PEACE...
KNOWING THAT I'M WATCHED OVER.
PROTECTED. SAFE.
YEAH, WELL A GOOD SECURITY SYSTEM WOULD DO THE SAME JOB
AND IN THE LONG RUN BE A LOT CHEAPER THAN ALL THOSE DEPOSITS
YOU'VE DROPPED IN THE OFFERING PLATE OVER THE YEARS.
WAIT'LL YOU SEE OUR NEW MINISTER.
I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT A COMFORT HE'S BEEN TO ME
SINCE YOUR FATHER DIED.
HE CALLS, HE VISITS.
HE MAKES SURE I'M ALL RIGHT.
OH, HE'S BEEN... LIKE A SON.
WELL, FOR HIS SAKE, I...
SURE HOPE YOU DON'T TREAT HIM LIKE ONE. HERE HE IS.
THE GRACE OF OUR LORD, JESUS CHRIST,
THE LOVE OF GOD AND THE COMMUNION OF THE HOLY SPIRIT
BE WITH YOU ALL.
Mrs. Kinney: AND WITH YOU.
[ Moans ]
GOOD AFTERNOON, EVERYONE,
AND, UH, WELCOME.
[ Snickering ] AS WE BEGIN OUR WORSHIP...
SHHH. SORRY. LET US PRAY.
[ Twittering of birds ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Scream of shock ]
Mrs. Kinney: WASN'T HE WONDERFUL?
I WANT YOU TO COME AND SAY HELLO.
I'VE TOLD HIM ALL ABOUT YOU.
I TOLD HIM HOW SUCCESSFUL AND GOOD- LOOKING YOU ARE.
HE'S JUST DYING TO MEET YOU.
I'LL BET. BYE.
REVEREND TOM. JOAN.
YOU NEVER MISS A SINGLE SUNDAY.
Mrs. Kinney: NOT FOR THE WORLD.
YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO'S WITH ME. MY SON.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
LET ME INTRODUCE YOU.
BRIAN.
THIS IS REVEREND TOM BUTTERFIELD.
REVEREND BUTTERFIELD.
MY MOTHER'S TOLD ME SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.
IT'S UNCANNY. I FEEL AS IF WE'VE ALREADY MET.
OH, EXCUSE ME.
RUTH!
Ruth: HELLO, JOAN...
GREAT SERVICE.
I'M GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT.
I MEANT AT THE BATHS.
LOOK, LOOK... Man: GOOD SERMON, REVEREND TOM.
HI, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
ME EITHER. [ Chuckle ]
AND I'VE FUCKED PRACTICALLY EVERYBODY IN THIS BURGH.
BUT THIS... [ Chuckle ] THIS IS A FIRST.
I WOULD APPRE- CIATE IT IF YOU'D KEEP THIS BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.
YOU THINK I'M GONNA TELL MY MOM? BYE-BYE.
SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW I'M GAY.
AND I HAVEN'T TALKED TO YOUR BOSS FOR YEARS,
SO DON'T WORRY, REV.
YOUR SECRET'S SAFE WITH ME.
Melanie: SO... YOU FUCKED YOUR MOTHER'S MINISTER?
MM-HM. YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN IT.
IT WAS TOTALLY HOT.
ISN'T HE TAKING QUITE A CHANCE?
THE AVERAGE AGE OF HIS PARISH IS 102.
I DOUBT THEY'RE HANGING OUT AT THE BATHS.
I ONCE WANTED TO BE A PRIEST.
BUT THEN I THOUGHT, HOW UNNATURAL,
LIVING YOUR LIFE CLOISTERED AWAY IN A WORLD FULL OF MEN.
[ Ringing of cell phone ]
MM.
IT'S ME.
HELLO?
Ted: IT'S ME.
Emmett: [ On phone ] Teddy? SHHH!
Where are you?
ON MEL AND LINDSAY'S FRONT PORCH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE FRONT PORCH, HONEY?
WHY DON'T YOU COME IN?
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THE OTHERS TO SEE ME.
I'VE GOT TO TALK TO YOU.
SO JUST... SLIP OUTSIDE
LIKE YOU'RE GONNA CHECK ON THE WEATHER.
BUT... PROMISE, PROMISE, PROMISE ME YOU'LL COME ALONE.
COME HAVE SOME BRUNCH.
UH, NO. NO, NO THANK YOU, UH,
I JUST, UH, I NEED TO TALK WITH EMMETT
AND, UH, THEN I'LL BE ON MY WAY.
[ Murmurs of curiosity ]
[ Whispering ] I STILL HAVE AN ERECTION.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU STILL HAVE AN ERECTION?
[ Chuckling ]
THANK YOU, CNN.
I TOOK VIAGRA LAST NIGHT.
IT'S BEEN 18 HOURS AND IT WON'T GO DOWN.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
HAVE YOU TRIED SOAKING IT?
HOW ABOUT A COLD SHOWER?
HOW ABOUT SCARING IT?
THAT'S HICCUPS.
BOO!
THANK YOU ALL FOR CARING.
WHAT ABOUT SOME- THING THAT WOULD ABSOLUTELY TURN YOU OFF?
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. WHY DON'T YOU TWO SHOW HIM YOUR TITS?
BRIAN! BRIAN!
YOU SAID THIS WOULD LAST A FEW HOURS, TOPS.
GO FIGURE.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE SOME.
OUR SEX LIFE ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE.
Others: [ Scoffing/snorting ]
WELL, WE'RE DOWN TO LIKE, FOUR TIMES A DAY.
LOOK, I'VE GOTTA DO SOMETHING.
OKAY. OKAY. COME ON.
WELL, JUST TRY AND MAKE IT TILL NEXT MONDAY.
WHAT'S NEXT MONDAY?
IT'S FLAG DAY. [ Laughing ]
BYE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE...
YOU'RE FUCKING ME...
AGAIN.
IT WAS YOUR IDEA...
TO STEAL...
TED'S...
VIAGRA.
[ Gasping ]
[ Panting ] [ Knocking on door ]
ARE YOU GONNA ANSWER?
THEY'LL GO AWAY.
[ Groaning ] [ Knocking on door ]
MOM.
I'M SORRY, AM I DISTURBING YOU?
I-I WAS GOING TO LEAVE THIS HERE BY THE DOOR WITH A NOTE,
BUT THEN I THOUGHT AS LONG AS I'M HERE...
I MIGHT AS WELL BANG ON HIS DOOR A MILLION TIMES
AND DRIVE HIM NUTS UNTIL HE ANSWERS.
IT'S YOUR FAVOURITE.
CHOCOLATE- CHOCOLATE CHIP.
IT'S JUST MY WAY OF SAYING THANK YOU
FOR GOING WITH ME TO CHURCH.
I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH IT MEANT.
L-LET'S DO IT AGAIN. SOON.
I KNOW YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.
I PROBABLY WON'T SEE YOU AGAIN FOR ANOTHER SIX MONTHS.
IF YOU HAD ANY IDEA HOW LONELY IT GETS
NOW THAT YOUR FATHER IS GONE.
I'M IN THAT HOUSE...
NIGHT AND DAY BY MYSELF.
THE PHONE NEVER RINGS.
IF ONLY... WE COULD BE CLOSE.
THE WAY WE ONCE WERE.
Justin: BRIAN?
ARE YOU COMING BACK?
I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS SOME- ONE ELSE HERE.
JUSTIN, THIS IS... MY MOTHER.
MOM, THIS IS JUSTIN.
HI.
MOM.
[ Humming of elevator motor ]
WHAT?
YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK TO ME?
THANK GOD YOUR FATHER DIDN'T KNOW.
HE DID.
I TOLD HIM BEFORE HE DIED.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR SISTER?
SO, YOU TOLD EVERYONE BUT ME.
I HOPE YOU KNOW IT'S A SIN.
THAT I FUCK GUYS OR THAT I DIDN'T TELL YOU?
YOU CAN MAKE ALL THE JOKES YOU WANT.
THE BIBLE MAKES IT CLEAR.
YOU'RE GOING TO HELL.
Doctor: MM-HMM.
MM-HMM...
W-W-WHAT IS IT, DOCTOR?
Doctor: WELL, THAT'S QUITE A BONER YOU'VE GOT THERE.
NOTHING LIKE THE EXPERT DIAGNOSIS
OF A TRAINED MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL.
SHUSH!
BUT, UH... BUT, DOCTOR, WHY WON'T IT GO DOWN?
Doctor: IT'S A PRIAPISM.
A BLOOD CLOT TO THE PENIS. OH, MY GOD.
WELL, IT'S...
BETTER THAN A BLOOD CLOT TO THE BRAIN.
UNLESS YOU THINK WITH YOUR DICK.
WELL, THIS IS EXTREMELY UNUSUAL.
IT'S ONE FOR THE MEDICAL JOURNALS.
OR THE GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS.
SHUT UP!
SO, WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND?
ARE YOU IN ANY PAIN?
WELL, TRY TAKING A DECONGESTANT.
A DECONGESTANT?
I HAVE A PENIS IN A STATE OF PERMANENT FIRST STAGE ALERT,
NOT A STUFFED- UP NOSE.
ISN'T THERE ANYTHING MORE CUTTING- EDGE YOU CAN DO?
WELL, ACTUALLY THERE IS.
WE COULD, UH, INSERT
TWO WIDE NEEDLES UP THE SHAFT
AND DRAIN THE BLOOD.
Ted: YOU KNOW,
DECONGESTANTS HAVE BEEN VERY EFFECTIVE FOR ME.
BUT, UH... W-WHEN WILL IT GO DOWN, DOCTOR?
A-A WEEK? MONTH?
A YEAR?
HARD TO SAY.
SORRY.
[ ?????? ]
?? I WANT SOME HOT STUFF ??
GOD, I NEED A STIFF ONE.
[ Snorting ]
THE OTHER KIND.
QUIT WORRYING. YOU HEARD WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID.
IT'LL GO DOWN.
YEAH, MINE DID.
YEAH, THANKS TO YOUR MOM.
SHE CAN MAKE ANYONE LOSE THEIR HARD-ON.
CAN I GET HER NUMBER?
SHE JUST NEEDS A LITTLE TIME
TO GET USED TO IT. WHAT?
THAT HER BABY BOY SUCKS HOT, HARD COCK?
AND LOVES IT.
YEAH, SHE'S PROBABLY
PRAYING FOR MY SOUL AS WE SPEAK
WITH REVEREND BUTTFUCK.
WHAT A JOKE.
Brian: WELL, HE'S THE ONE SHE BELIEVES IN.
THE ONE SHE TRUSTS.
THE ONE WHO'S BEEN LIKE A SON TO HER.
IF SHE ONLY KNEW.
Ted: WELL, DON'T WORRY.
GOD STILL LOVES YOU, NO MATTER WHAT.
YEAH, LIKE I GIVE A SHIT WHAT GOD THINKS ABOUT ME.
HE'D BETTER BE WORRIED WHAT I THINK ABOUT HIM.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT?
WELL, IN ALL THIS COLD, DEAD UNIVERSE
WE'RE THE ONLY ONES THAT KNOW HE EXISTS.
WITHOUT US, HE'S NOTHING.
[ ?????? ]
OH.
YOU CAME. I SAID I WOULD, DIDN'T I?
I'M OVER HERE WITH THE GUYS. WHOA.
I THOUGHT THIS WAS ABOUT YOU AND ME.
IT IS. COME ON.
?? HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT STUFF... ??
Michael: HEY, GUYS, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
Ben: HI, GUYS. HEY, BEN.
FORGIVE ME FOR NOT STANDING.
HE ALREADY IS.
Emmett: SO, DID YOU GUYS JUST HAPPEN TO...
RUN INTO EACH OTHER?
ACTUALLY... UH, NO.
I INVITED HIM. HE'S MY DATE.
WELL, I THOUGHT YOU TWO, UH...
WE DID. BUT, UH,
I'M HOPING WE CAN GET BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.
ANYBODY GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
NO.
[ Derisive chuckle ]
GLAD TO HEAR IT.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
[ ?????? ]
?? I NEED YOUR HOT STUFF ??
HOT STUFF.
[ Snickering ]
Singer: THANK YOU. THAT GOES OUT TO JEROME,
MY BELOVED, YOU'RE THE ONLY HOT STUFF I'LL EVER NEED, BABY.
Jerome: THANKS, SWEETIE. YOU'RE MY HOT STUFF TOO, BABY.
[ Applause/cheers ]
Emmett: THAT WAS, UH,
THAT WAS SO MOVING.
WASN'T THAT MOVING?
LIKE A CASE OF DYSENTERY.
WELL, I THINK IT TAKES REAL COURAGE
TO STAND UP THERE AND PROCLAIM YOUR LOVE...
OFF-KEY.
I GOTTA GET GOING.
BUT YOU JUST GOT HERE.
YOU SAID LET'S GET TOGETHER, AND WE DID.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, MICHAEL.
[ Mixed chatter ]
Michael: ?? BEN, THE TWO OF US ??
?? NEED LOOK NO MORE ?? [ Screech of feedback ]
?? WE'VE BOTH FOUND WHAT WE WERE LOOKING FOR ??
AH...
?? WITH A FRIEND TO CALL MY OWN ??
?? I'LL NEVER BE ALONE ??
?? AND YOU MY FRIEND WILL SEE ??
?? YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME ??
[ ?????? ]
Ben: YOU KNOW, I FOUND OUT A LOT ABOUT YOU
IN THE LAST FEW DAYS.
Michael: LIKE WHAT?
YOU CAN'T PLAY BASKETBALL.
AND YOU CAN'T SING! HUH!
IT'S PRETTY AMAZING HOW UNTALENTED I AM, ISN'T IT?
I DID NOT SAY THAT.
ALL RIGHT, I ADMIT...
IT TOOK A LOT OF COURAGE TO GET UP THERE.
HELL, IT TOOK FUCKING BALLS.
WELL, I TOLD YOU.
I KNOW WHAT I WANT, AND I'LL DO ANY- THING TO GET IT.
YOU MEAN ME? YEAH, I MEAN YOU.
AH.
HMM.
ALL RIGHT, TELL YOU WHAT.
DINNER, TOMORROW NIGHT. MY PLACE.
I WILL MAKE YOU A CHICKEN SATAY WITH PAD THAI NOODLES
THAT WILL MAKE YOU WEEP.
COOL.
SHIT!
WHAT?
I PROMISED MY MOTHER I'D HAVE DINNER
WITH HER AND MY UNCLE VIC.
SOME OTHER TIME, THEN. NO.
DINNER. TOMORROW NIGHT.
[ Dance ?????? ]
Brian: HELLO, REVEREND.
I JUST CAME IN FOR A FEW QUIET MOMENTS OF SOLACE.
PRAYER.
WELL, DON'T LET ME DISTURB YOU.
YOU SEE, I HAVE THIS TERRIBLE BURDEN.
AND WHAT IS THAT?
WELL, MY MOTHER RECENTLY DISCOVERED THAT I'M A HOMOSEXUAL.
AND...
SHE THINKS I'M GOING TO HELL.
THAT IS A PROBLEM.
BUT WHAT SHE DOESN'T KNOW
IS THAT SO'S HER MINISTER.
NOT ONLY THAT,
AND THIS IS THE PART YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BELIEVE...
I'VE ACTUALLY HAD HIM.
MYSELF.
DOWN ON ALL FOURS.
SQUEALING LIKE A PIG.
I DON'T THINK THIS IS THE TIME,
OR THE PLACE TO BE HAVING THIS KIND OF DISCUSSION.
WHAT WOULD SHE SAY IF SHE KNEW HER MAN OF GOD WAS AT THE BATHS
TAKING IT UP THE ASS?
I UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS OF ANGER.
OF PAIN.
BUT THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME OR THIS CHURCH.
THEY HAVE TO DO WITH YOU AND YOUR MOTHER.
YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT MY MOTHER.
I KNOW A LOT MORE THAN YOU.
'CAUSE I SPEND TIME WITH HER.
AND I TALK TO HER AND I TRY TO OFFER COMFORT.
BY TELLING HER THAT I'M GOING TO BURN IN HELL?
I DON'T TEACH THAT LESSON.
I TEACH LOVE.
I TEACH TRUTH.
THE TRUTH IS YOU'RE A GODDAMN LIAR.
BRIAN. IF YOU WANT TO BETRAY ME,
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO,
YOU DO IT.
BUT I KNOW WHO I HAVE TO ANSWER TO...
AND IT ISN'T YOU.
NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CHURCH.
SO WHICH PIECE OF WHIMSICAL FICTION
WOULD YOU PREFER, SONNY BOY?
GRIMM'S FAIRY TALES?
OR THE BIBLE?
IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE STRUCK BY LIGHTNING,
I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DO IT
WHEN GUS AND I AREN'T AROUND.
THAT'S ALL IT IS, IT'S A BOOK.
FULL OF FAIRY TALES MADE UP BY A BUNCH OF TRIBAL HASH-HEADS.
THE WORLD'S BEEN KILLING ITSELF OVER IT EVER SINCE.
SO WHO'S THE LATEST VICTIM?
YOUR MOTHER'S MINISTER?
YE SHALL KNOW THE TRUTH
AND THE TRUTH SHALL MAKE YOU FREE.
THE TRUTH ACCORDING TO SAINT BRIAN?
IT'S JOHN 8:32.
WOW, I'M IMPRESSED.
SO WHAT DO YOU HOPE TO ACCOMPLISH
WITH YOUR TRUTH?
YOU'LL DESTROY HIM, IN WHICH CASE YOU'RE NO DIFFERENT
THAN THE SO-CALLED GOOD CHRISTIANS YOU PURPORT TO DESPISE.
DOESN'T MOMMY TALK NICE?
ALL THOSE BIG WORDS.
SHE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW.
WHAT, THAT HE'S GAY?
SO HOW COME YOU NEVER TOLD HER ABOUT YOURSELF?
BECAUSE MY PRIVATE LIFE IS NONE OF HER GODDAMN BUSINESS.
RIGHT? NEITHER IS HER MINISTER'S.
SO WHY TELL HER?
I MEAN, WHY TAKE AWAY THE ONE THING SHE'S GOT?
[ Sighing ]
Debbie: DO YOU THINK I MADE ENOUGH?
Vic: THAT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU MEAN BY "ENOUGH".
IF YOU MEAN ENOUGH FOR THE ENTIRE POPULATION
OF THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE,
THEN... YEAH, YOU'VE MADE ENOUGH.
NOW RELAX, WILL YOU? RELAX?
MY SON IS BRINGING SOMEONE HOME TO MEET US
WITHOUT MY EVEN ASKING.
HUH? AT HIS REQUEST.
REMEMBER THE LAST TIME THAT HAPPENED?
UH... IT NEVER HAS.
SO, THIS COULD BE THE ONE.
THE GUY HE WANTS TO GROW OLD WITH.
WOULDN'T IT BE A KICKER IF BRIAN WALKED THROUGH THAT DOOR?
YEAH, MAYBE YOU NEED TO GET YOUR MEDS ADJUSTED.
[ Chuckling ] [ Opening of door ]
Michael: MA, UNCLE VIC?
OH, THEY'RE HERE. GOD, HE'S HERE.
ALL RIGHT. OKAY, THEY'RE HERE.
ALL RIGHT...
SWEETHEART!
HI, BABY.
YOU REMEMBER BEN.
SURE.
HI, BEN. HEY.
HI. AND, UH, THIS IS MY UNCLE VIC.
IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, BEN. SAME HERE.
OH, UH, THESE ARE FOR YOU.
WELL, THANK YOU.
THEY'RE LOVELY.
WELL, ARE WE JUST GONNA STAND HERE? COME ON IN.
MOM.
IMAGINE FINDING YOU HERE.
I'M PRAYING, BRIAN.
FOR MY SOUL?
I ALWAYS INCLUDE YOU IN MY PRAYERS.
WHAT A PAL.
[ Clearing of throat ]
[ Loud clearing of throat ]
Mrs. Kinney: NOW THEN, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
WELL, THERE'S SOMETHING I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO HEAR.
AND THIS SEEMED LIKE THE PER- FECT SETTING.
I HOPE YOU'VE COME TO ASK FORGIVENESS.
NOT EXACTLY.
IT'S THE ONLY SALVATION THERE IS.
WHAT ABOUT THE SALVATION ARMY?
YOU'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE SO SMART, SO CLEVER.
SO MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYBODY ELSE.
WELL, ALL THE CLEVERNESS IN THIS WORLD
ISN'T GOING TO HELP YOU... SAVE IT, MOM,
FOR YOUR FAG- FREE AFTERLIFE.
OH... ALL RIGHT.
GO AHEAD, MOCK ME.
MOCK MY FAITH, MOCK GOD.
YOU'RE NO DIFFERENT THAN YOUR FATHER.
HE USED TO MOCK ME TOO.
HE CALLED ME A SAINT.
HE SAID I WAS AS STONE-COLD AS ONE.
[ Snickering ]
WELL, IT'S HARD TO LOVE A MAN
WHO'S NEVER GIVEN YOU
A KIND WORD IN 30 YEARS.
WHO'D RATHER SPEND TIME WITH HIS FRIENDS DRINKING
THAN WITH ME.
HE NEVER CARED ABOUT HIS FAMILY.
HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT ME TO HAVE YOU.
I KNOW THE STORY.
YOU MAY HAVE HEARD IT,
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW IT.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I HAD TO PUT UP WITH HIS ABUSE,
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I HAD TO PROTECT YOU FROM HIM.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I HAD TO...
LET HIM HIT ME INSTEAD OF YOU.
YOU DON'T KNOW THAT, DO YOU?
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT.
NO, 'COURSE NOT.
YOU CAN'T BE BOTHERED. YOU NEVER COULD.
'CAUSE YOU'RE SELFISH.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I'M SORRY TO TELL YOU, DEAR, BUT IT IS.
ALL YOU EVER CARED ABOUT IS YOURSELF.
I CAN'T DEPEND ON YOU ANY MORE THAN I COULD ON HIM.
BUT THERE IS SOMEONE I CAN COUNT ON,
NO MATTER WHAT.
LET ME GUESS.
REVEREND TOM.
GOD.
GOD WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME.
GOD WILL NEVER LET ME DOWN.
WHO CAN YOU SAY THAT ABOUT?
[ Radio ?????? ]
Ben: MY... MY MOM NEVER DID ANY- THING HALF-ASSED.
SHE COULDN'T JUST JOIN P-FLAG, RIGHT,
SHE HAD TO BE THE CHAPTER PRESIDENT.
SOUNDS FAMILIAR.
I BET YOU TWO'D HAVE A LOT IN COMMON, MA.
Debbie: UH-HUH.
ANYBODY HUNGRY? I AM.
YOU NEED ANY HELP? NOPE.
BEN'S AWESOME, ISN'T HE? AWESOME.
WHERE'S MY GODDAMN CHEESE GRATER?
I LIKE HIM, MA. I LIKE HIM A LOT.
I KNOW YOU DO, SWEETHEART. I LIKE HIM TOO.
HE'S HANDSOME, CHARMING, SMART.
OBVIOUSLY WORKS OUT MORE THAN ONCE A WEEK.
I JUST DON'T LIKE HIM FOR YOU.
AND FRANKLY I DON'T APPRECIATE YOU AMBUSHING ME.
I DID NOT AMBUSH YOU.
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT HIM.
I MADE IT PER- FECTLY CLEAR.
AND YET YOU DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO TELL ME
YOU WERE BRINGING HIM.
I DON'T NEED YOUR PERMISSION.
THIS IS STILL MY HOUSE.
AND IN MY HOUSE, YOU STILL SAY "MOTHER, MAY I?"
I LOVE HIM, MA.
THAT'S THE REALITY.
AND YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT.
[ Chuckling ] GOD, I MISS NEW YORK.
MM-HM.
I LIVED THERE FOR 12 YEARS, YOU KNOW.
WHAT'S THAT BAR ON THE UPPER WEST SIDE?
"THE WORKS".
YOU EVER GO THERE?
OH, WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING?
I GREW UP RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.
Vic: HUH.
SO HOW LONG YOU BEEN POSITIVE, BEN?
MOTHER.
I'D JUST LIKE TO KNOW.
THAT'S OKAY, I'M FINE WITH IT.
FIVE YEARS.
WHAT'S YOUR T-CELL COUNT?
Ben: UH, IT'S 600.
EVER BEEN HOSPITALIZED?
NO, NOT YET. [ Rapping on table ]
KNOCK WOOD.
Debbie: VIRAL LOAD?
Ben: UNDETECTABLE.
ON THE COCKTAIL?
ANTI-VIRALS.
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
THISIS THE REALITY, SWEETHEART.
AND YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT.
GARLIC BREAD?
[ ?????? ]
IT'S GREAT THAT YOU'RE OUT IN THE WORLD,
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT LETTING IT GET YOU DOWN.
I WISH SOMETHING WOULD GET IT DOWN.
Man: HEY!
HEY, TED.
LISTEN, MAN, I'M SORRY ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT.
I KNOW.
HOW'S LULU?
TURNS OUT SHE ATE A PAIR OF MY SHORTS.
CAUSED HER TUMMY GREAT DISTRESS.
YOU KNOW, THE SAME THING HAPPENS TO ME.
SO, YOU UP FOR A LITTLE ACTION?
OH, HE'S UP FOR IT, ALL RIGHT.
[ Chuckling ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Exhaling ]
WOW.
THAT'S SOME MONSTER.
[ Chuckling ]
OH, YEAH.
[ Exhaling ]
HEY. SOMETHING WRONG?
IT'S GOING DOWN.
[ Chuckling ]
OH, IT IS.
IT IS!
IT'S GOING DOWN.
I'M SOFT.
YOU MADE MY DICK SOFT!
DO YOU HAVE TO BROADCAST IT?
Ted: [ Chuckling ]
HEY, I'M SOFT!
LOOK, I'M SOFT!
HEY, I'M SOFT. OH...
[ Chuckle ]
HEY! I'M SOFT!
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DINNER,
NOT THE FUCKING SPANISH IN-QUEER-SITION.
SHE KNOWS LOTS OF POSITIVE PEOPLE.
BUT NONE OF THEM ARE DATING HER SON.
SHE'S JUST TRYING TO PROTECT YOU.
I DON'T NEED ANYONE PROTECTING ME.
WELL, TRY TELLING HER THAT.
WHAT SHE WAS ASKING, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW.
I'M IN GOOD SHAPE NOW.
BUT I CAN'T PROMISE THAT I'LL ALWAYS BE.
BUT THERE IS NO ALWAYS. THERE'S ONLY NOW.
THAT'S ALL WE HAVE. ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU'RE ALWAYS TELLING ME?
THAT'S WHAT I'M ALWAYS TELLING YOU.
SO, THEN...
I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS OR FEELS.
I JUST CARE HOW I FEEL.
[ ?????? ]
I WANT YOU TO BE VERY SURE.
I AM SURE.
[ ?????? ]
HEY! [ Whistling ]
DOUBLE.
TWO DOUBLE JIM BEAM. Bartender: OKAY, COMING UP.
LET ME GET THAT.
Bartender: THERE YOU GO, SIR.
THAT'S A FIRST.
A CLERGYMAN BUYING SOMEONE ELSE A DRINK.
YOUR MOTHER TELLS ME YOU WERE AT CHURCH.
YEAH, WELL NOT FOR THE REASON YOU THINK.
WHATEVER THE REASON, THANK YOU.
FOR WHAT?
NOT SAYING ANYTHING.
I DIDN'T DO IT FOR YOU.
YOU'RE A GOOD SON.
PROMISE NOT TO TELL?
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M GOING TO HELL.
[ ?????? ]